


always there

by anattemptatwordbending



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, but don't worry he has sokka, he can't stop hearing ozai in his head, poor Zuko
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:20:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26275546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anattemptatwordbending/pseuds/anattemptatwordbending
Summary: It's the anniversary of the Agni Kai, and Zuko can't stop remembering.
Relationships: Sokka & Zuko (Avatar), Sokka/Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 25
Kudos: 362





	always there

**Author's Note:**

> hdkjghjghdklfjhgfkj just more zuko angst because APPARENTLY that's all I can write
> 
> ily sister <3

“It’s getting bad, isn’t it?” Sokka said softly. Zuko looked up at him from the amendment proposal he was trying to focus on. Yes, it was getting bad. The words on the page kept blurring into memories. His arm the wrong colour, fingernails dug into his skin to keep from crying out, wanting to run, wanting to hide.

“How do you know?”

“You’re-- you’re tracing your arms. You tend to do that when you… uh, when you remember,” Sokka looked guilty, like he wasn’t supposed to know that. 

Oh. Zuko was tracing his arms. He stopped self-consciously. “Yeah, I guess it is getting bad,” he said quietly, folding down the corner of the paper he was reading for something to do with his hands.

“Is there anything causing it?”

“Yes-- No-- I don’t know,” Zuko focused on the corner of the paper, not looking at Sokka. “I-- it’s just-- it’s the anniversary. Of the Agni Kai.” The day he lost everything. The day his father, for the first time, hurt him in a way that would not heal.

Well, maybe not for the first time. Agni knows Zuko’s mind had enough scars before he got the giant one on his face.

“...Oh. Zuko, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Zuko said quickly. “It’s fine. I just have to focus on these.” He looked at the stack of papers he had to read and sign off on. His head felt like everything was pressing on it from all sides.

“No, Zuko,” Sokka grabbed the stack of papers and moved them aside. “You’re not in a state to work right now, okay? You need to take a day off.”

“I can’t do that,” Zuko insisted weakly. “I’ll get so behind. Plus there’s no reason to take today off, it’s just a stupid anniversary. I should be able to handle it.”

Sokka’s brow creased. “It’s not just a stupid anniversary. I can tell it’s hurting you.”

It was hurting him. It was hurting him a lot. 

“Please take the day off,” Sokka said quietly. “Do it for me? So I know you’re okay?”

Zuko sighed, pressing his fingers into his throbbing head. “Okay,” he murmured, because he was selfish and weak and because Ozai was lurking in the corner of his mind with a smile that made Zuko want to get away.

“Can I touch you?” Sokka asked. Zuko nodded. 

Sokka put his hand gently on Zuko’s arm. (Where Ozai used to put his hand whenever Zuko did something bad-- it would feel almost like a gesture of love until it heated up and left Zuko with another burn.)

“You’re shaking,” Sokka said quietly.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. Can I-- do you want me to be here? Should I go? What can I do?”

_Please stay. I can’t handle this alone, I’m scared, I’m terrified._ “You probably have stuff to do,” Zuko said. “I don’t-- I’d be fine by myself, I can handle it.”

“Am I hearing that you need me?” Sokka asked. 

_Yes._ “I don’t want to interrupt your day,” Zuko trailed off.

“I’m here, okay? Don’t worry about it. I’m here for you. I’m here.”

“Thank you,” Zuko whispered. Somewhere in his head Ozai sneered at his pitiful dependence.

“Let’s go to the turtleduck pond,” Sokka said. “That’s where you feel safer, right?”

“Yeah.” 

(Once, Ozai burned one of the turtleducks. He’d told Zuko they were a distraction, no playing with them until he’d mastered a basic firebending form-- but he’d just been a kid, and he hadn’t listened. The turtleduck didn’t recover from the wound. Zuko was the one who buried it.)

Zuko followed Sokka outside and sat down beside him on the edge of the pond.

Sokka put his arm around Zuko-- slowly and carefully, so it wouldn’t scare him. Zuko leaned into his touch. 

His mother used to hold him like this. Before. After she left, Zuko forgot that touch could do anything but hurt. But now Sokka was slowly teaching him again.

_Look at you,_ Ozai sneered in the back of his brain. _Pathetic._ Zuko clenched his fists.

“It’s okay,” Sokka said softly, as Ozai screamed _failure._

Zuko shook his head. No no no no no. Not okay.

“I’m here, okay? You’re safe, he can’t get to you.”

_You’re pathetic._

“You’re alright, Zuko, you’re alright.”

_You’re messed up. You’re weak. You’re lucky to be alive, you’re lucky I didn’t--_

“Stop,” Zuko cried out, grabbing his head. Sokka fell silent.

Zuko leaned forward, holding his pounding head, gasping for air as tears came to his eyes. “Stop,” he whimpered. “Please.”

Ozai’s laugh echoed through his head.

“Do you want me to leave?” Sokka was asking, from some place separate from where Zuko was. Zuko dimly felt his arm still around him. He was next to him, but not next to him. Right beside him, but really far away.

“No,” Zuko choked out. “Not you, him.”

That soft voice. “He’s not here, okay?”

“No, he is,” Zuko whispered. “He’s here. He’s right here where I am.”

“You’re right here next to me, by the turtleduck pond. You’re right here.”

“No, I’m where he is. He’s in my head. He can’t ever get out.” Ozai smirked, and more tears fell to the ground. He can never go away.

“Focus on me, okay? I’m closer. Try to focus on me, try to bring your mind back to where I am.”

“Okay,” Zuko’s voice wavered. He reached out beside him and found Sokka’s chest, and put his hand on it. His heart was beating quickly.

“You’re scared,” Zuko said softly. 

Sokka paused. “It hurts to see how much you’re hurting.”

“You care about me,” it was almost a question.

“More than you could imagine.”

Zuko tried to focus his eyes on Sokka. “You’re… you’re crying.”

“Like I said, it hurts.”

“I’m sorry,” Zuko said quietly, moving his hand back from Sokka’s chest. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You’re not,” Sokka responded quickly. “It’s not your fault. I just-- I’m sorry you have to go through this. I wish I could help more.”

“You’ve--” Zuko took a breath. “Sokka, you don’t-- I don’t know where I’d be without you. You’ve saved me. You’ve helped-- so much.”

“I’m glad,” Sokka said, squeezing Zuko’s shoulder gently. “Just stay with me, okay? Stay here.”

“I’m here,” Zuko whispered. “I’m here.”

Ozai tried to whisper something to him, but he leaned closer to Sokka, watching a turtleduck dunk under the water for food. “I’m here,” he whispered again.

“You are.”

(Sokka stayed with him that night, kept him safe, kept him _there._ Sokka was always there.)

**Author's Note:**

> to everyone who has commented on anything else of mine: you guys have my soul
> 
> if you liked this and you wanna comment it really inspires me to write and also just makes me very happy :)


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